been awhile

brown grrrl here.

it’s been a long time since either of us posted.  part of this is because we are both people who start projects that we never finish; another part is that, for me anyway, this wedding is bringing up a lot of mixed feelings.

i’m so happy to be committing to trans boy and to celebrate our love with our closest friends and family.  what i’m not so happy about is how many aspects of this wedding clash with my political beliefs.  first of all, it’s going to be huge – 350+ people – which isn’t terrible in and of itself, but more people equals more money and i thought i was the type of person who didn’t want to spend thousands and thousands on one day.  still, i’ve insisted on a wedding designer and beautiful aesthetics – i guess the conditioning i had as a young girl is stronger than my belief in (and actions toward) social justice. to say i’m uncomfortable with that would be an understatement, but perhaps i have to sit with this discomfort.

unrelated to the wedding (sort of), i’ve been thinking about past relationships.  my best friend is going through something terrible, which has gotten me thinking about my last serious relationship.  totalled relationships often total devasted hearts.  ex-lovers are more than just exes – they’re ex-lives and in essence, an ex-you.  people in our lives change us.

how has trans boy changed me?  i feel like i have a constant support  and a constant challenge.   i’m encouraged to be the best me that i can be – the best me that i’m capable of.  at the same time, i know that  to him, i’m already the best me.  namely, i know that losing 50 lbs won’t make him love me any more.  this is the first time i’ve felt that my issues with my body have nothing to do with another person because i know that this person’s love for me – desire for me – won’t change with my body.

the security, comfort and love that i have in my life have taken care of a primary need for affection and belonging and connectedness to another human.  in turn, my mind’s automatically going to other places: my social life, my political (in)action.

it’s hard to be politically involved when you feel so alienated from the majority of the people who take political action in your community.  action is built on solidarity, on communities – what happens when you don’t belong to one?  how can you help, how can you be involved?  how do you work toward dismantling oppression when spending time with the very people who are working towards that feels, well, oppressive?  it’s not that i think people here are bad people – quite the opposite, really – i just know that i don’t fit and often leave social situations feeling more alienated than i did before i went.

and here i come to yet another paradox: through his inclusion and love and ultimate respect for all parts of me, trans boy has had the effect of making me realize how alienated i am.

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