preferential options

in response to something brown grrrl commented on in previous post.  i wouldn’t say that her mom’s beautiful response to bg’s disclosure of  my history was enough.  if i am talking enough, enough would be where everyone was safe to to disclose how they identified, how they felt and what they thought, without fear of negative repercussions…that ideally would be enough in the whole grand scheme of things.   it was  far more than enough as far as what i could expect from her mom, but it isn’t  enough in terms of ideal wedding celebration.  the questions remains,  what is do-able, what is the least oppressive disclosure in this case?

the issue that arose for me last week, was somewhat sparked by a comment my brother made after i asked him to m.c.  he made some joke about my transness in reference to the wedding.  i said well most people won’t know i’m trans.  he was silent and then said, well i don’t know if that is so safe for you.  it watered a little seed of doubt and perhaps this seed is one that i carry around unknowing to every situation.  it is the ongoing scenario when i pretend that i am not trans.  i do it every day, every second that i am outside the confines of my intimates.

and so the assumption that i would not be telling the other wedding guests, or it wouldn’t be relayed to them in some way prior to the wedding went easily un-checked-it usually does in all my social/stranger interactions.

we had a discussion about this after i was off the phone with my older brother.  it didn’t last long, cause it didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that we had no easy answers; but we both seemed okay in the tension and the threads of complication left dangling. (i think)

then i had a discussion with a friend who said, what are you going to do, tell every single guest before the wedding?  mostly, I worry about brown grrrls’s mom.  what are the personal repercussions for her?  is it easier for me to remain closeted on my wedding day, than it is on her for me to be out?  yes-ultimately i think it is.  now, if there is disclosure fall-out post wedding, i hope that it is something that causes as little hardship and maybe even opportunities for trans-formative connections.

i still think it is a radical wedding even if 300 out of the 360 people don’t know i’m trans.  it  communicates a love which is worth celebrating and living despite the risk and maybe even the compromise.  hopefully,  some there  will witness to this love and this complication created in a world not yet equal.  maybe the not naming  will cause people to reflect on how to compassionately bridge these inequities in their own lives  as advocates and as agents of change.


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